theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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