I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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