I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We need a shit load of segways right now
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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