If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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