i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
