If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
