Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
