my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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