Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
