I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
