Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
