apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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