Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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