6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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