Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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