yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
