I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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