I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Sorry my hands just texted you
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
