I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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