Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
