i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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