I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
