I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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