**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
