John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
