you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
