I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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