Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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