I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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