Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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