I wanna passion pit in your ass
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
