I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
We left an ass print on the piano.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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