it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize