where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Sorry my hands just texted you
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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