there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
