I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
