i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
