So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
