I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
