Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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