I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
