the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
