Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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