We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
