if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
