you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
