Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
