ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
