I cannot find my penis.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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