Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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