Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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