Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize