My sheets look like a crime scene.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
