all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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