I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My dad is sitting where you rode me
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
