Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So many bounce houses so little time
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Randomize