drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
