i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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