1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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