so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
