Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
